There are two exclusive possibilities at this point:

1) stay with girl. have dependable relationship. have love when it cannot be found anywhere else. remain closed off to other possibilities.

2) break up with girl. enter uncertain world of greater possibilities. open myself up more to the school that I am attending.

i went back and forth on this for a long time, then finally settled into being comfortable in the relationship. however, the thought came up again yesterday while we were together. I haven’t been able to shake it.

is the fact that I am still going back and forth enough to make change happen?

I like the comfort that this relationship provides, but when I think about the future in any regard, I get scared about the possibility of still being in this position, not having let things change with time.

What is the taoist approach to this? I’ve been trying to decide.

THE NEXT DAY-

I think I have decided what the taoist approach is, and I agree with it. The answer is to practice not doing, to be patient, like eternity, and allow events to take their course. I must remember these things! I think it’s funny upon reflection that I continually go in and out of accordance with the Tao. I think I do it subconsciously, just so that I can be satisfied again and again by the wisdom of the Tao. It replenishes me, I forget about it or am distracted from it, then I use it to get myself out of depression and angst. It works every time.

After you first lose sight of your goals there is uncertain amount of time before they come back to you.
There are a couple of different ways to reflect on this.
At first thought, I felt undisciplined because it was not a high priority of mine to keep a constant awareness of my goals, but soon there after I realized that my reflections were not correctly focused. The time of awareness of goals is not as important as the time in between the awareness of them. You can’t achieve goals while concentrating on prioritizing your goals. It is the time in between that is worth reflecting on because it is a more accurate judge of hoe you actually live your life.
It is something when you achieve your goals without the conciouse awareness of them.
The cycle that my life is attuned to left I’d say 2 weeks inbetween the last time I was hyper aware of my goals and the time of this post. In that time, I have lived closer to my ideal than ever before. Far from perfect, but it leaves plenty to work on during my next cycle. And the best part about it is that I don’t even have to do anything. I just have to live my life and hope that my training has been and will be positive.
Some times are meant for reflection, some are meant to plan for the future, but most are to be lived in the present. I gotta say, all three are pretty damned neat.

Sitting on the toilet, thinking of all of you.
Can’t wait to see those of you who I will see, sorry I won’t be seeing those of you that I won’t see.
Just letting you all know- I love you, and I am thinking positively of you.

No matter what holiday you celebrate this time of year, just remember, its all about love. Positive thoughts, happiness, and being redeemed.

Tookie was killed yesterday, for crimes he claimed he didn’t commit. He started the crips, and in jail he seeked redemption by founding an anti-gang activist group. Still, the country executed him, quite ritualistically.

Let’s all reflect, and realize that in our personal lives we all can spread love and forgiveness, even if the state refuses to. For them, the holiday is about buying and $elling. For us, it’s about LIVING.

When is reason a better guide than the heart?
My heart is still with my someone I love, but my reason is telling me to separate myself from her. My heart wants all of her and my reason wants none of her. Nothing in between seems to work. A friendship only depresses me. Why should I limit my relationship with someone I love to a friendship?
Since we cannot be together, the other end of the spectrum is to cut myself off from her. It’s really too bad that it has to be all or nothing, but I think it is the only way to avoid feeling shitty. It becomes all the worse because what I want affects her which comes back to affect me, so it becomes really hard to be completely honest and open without coming off as harsh and insensitive.
The real dilemma is that I don’t want to cut myself off. I also don’t want to be with her. I also don’t want to be friends. Breaking up is hard to do!! I’m stuck it a Catch 22. So what else is new on this blog?
Anyway life is good. I’m on top in all other departments. I got 99 solutions but a bitch ain’t one.

How is it that I’ve reimprinted myself to skim over the intended meaning of a statement and see right through to its potential?

I no longer take anything at face value, I’m always digging for a deeper meaning; I want to break functional fixedness and exploit new ways of using old tools.

Ideally this is a gift worth using, but mostly it just gets me into trouble. When someone tells me a law, I test every case for potential to work around the law.

For once I want to be sucked in and go with the flow. I don’t want to feel like I’m on the outside looking in; I want to glide through the middle of the stream.

Tomorrow I’ll write a post about the dangers of getting sucked it, but for now I just want to feel the power of society; I want to feel the camaraderie of equally ignorant swimmers.

So how’m I doing?