There is a voice in my head, very familiar, that will wait for the right moment and then say the one thing that could make me feel possibly worse than I already do. It is the voice that reminds me about all the guys my girlfriend has hooked up with before me and how uncomfortable I am with that, it is the voice that brings up how upset I am about my living situation, and it is the voice that looks for ways to give me that completely and sickeningly satisfying rush of negative emotion. It makes me want to wallow in sadness, anger, and frustration. That wallowing is so familiar, so comfortable to me, that unless I recognize it and halt the process, it will be more immediately satisfying than trying to feel good in any way.

This voice is the voice of dirt, disgust, and blackness. It comes out of mounds of cigarette butts and empty bottles and cans, shit, piss, and vomit, interpersonal conflict, misogyny, violence, delusion, and all sickness and darkness. It is like a black hole that I’m constantly being sucked into, a little at a time, and sometimes I pull myself away from it and feel better, but that shit is a vacuum and unless I keep fighting it, I’ll eventually get sucked in all the way.

This is my hell. Sometimes. And other times it is a distant and bleak reality, a possibility that has been explored and somewhat understood, and I choose not to be enveloped.

My question is, What is that? Where does it come from? Why is it there? What is it about existence, or my existence, that necessarily includes a self destructive, negative tract or aspect?

I guess I already know the answer. But then I think that the answer will come to me after further contemplation. And finally I think, this is just part of life. Awareness of one’s emotional zero point and all that it consists of, the worst thing imaginable. In that for me this thing is imaginable, I imagine it, and am therefore conscious of it. BUT WHERE THE FUCK DOES IT COME FROM?

If you read my latest post, you will see that I’ve been thinking a lot lately about myself in relation others: mainly in terms of how to apply what I am learning about myself everyday to the lives of others. I’d also been thinking a lot about by art, because of a sculpture professor that asks for more from my art than I ever have. My idea is to express the beauty/art of sex/connecting by showing how two figures come together to make a third. I did not realize at the time that these two dilemmas would become solutions to each other’s problems.
So last year I was busted smoking weed in a dorm, and I was sent to see a counselor. I really hit it off with her, and so we meet every couple of months to catch up with each other and to discuss health in general. When I met with her, she noticed the positive state of mind I’m in and it made her think of something to tell me that no one has ever told me.
She referred me to a shrink. Her idea is to see what a pro can do for a (self-identified) “healthy guy”, since they typically work with people down on their luck or perhaps depressed. It would be a way to dedicate a time every week to self-reflection/improvement: a nice idea.
I like the idea because it reminded me to never sit and stay satisfied; I always need to push it, because without proper exercise my high state of mind will only deteriorate.
So the other night I was contemplating my art. I’m chilling out and I close my eyes to see two semi-circles of light lined up like two side by side rainbows. The answer to my art came in a juxtaposition of two imperfect semi-circles that have the potential to smoothen out and come together forming a circle. The two semi-circles both have a light side and a dark side. They are lined up so that the light side of one faces the dark side of the other to represent my frustration with communication. Like a male peacock, I spread open my feathers but most of the time I get people’s wrong side. Life is like turning around to see a light that reveals you to the completion of youself: because you know it’s always right behind you.
So now that I had a solid breakthrough in my art, I set off to a party. I should use the word gathering because there were only 5 people there, but anyway, I get into it with this girl from LA. From a few clues, I piece together that she has a boyfriend at home, and a ‘very close friend’ up at school. She was trying to explain to me that it was too complicated to explain. I said I’ll give it a shot, and I pull out my sketchbook.
I tell her that sometimes you shine your light at your partner and all you see is the dark, whereas other times your partner shines his light at you and all you show him is your dark side. I explained to her the concept of imperfection, but that there is potential in two half circles even if they are bent, half dark, and not facing eachother.
Something hit home, because the girl broke down. She started to breath heavy and tears welled up in her eyes.
I touched her with my words. She felt my words because I was talking from the heart. When you feel something strongly in your heart, the words will come if you let them, and they will have impact.
Crazy weekend, crazy developments. Don’t stop pushing yourself. Don’t think your are outside the box just yet, cause if you do think that, you clearly aren’t. Don’t be afraid to dream and express yourself. Someone may appreciate your expression more than you can imagine. Breath the air, listen to the wind, and spread the love.

Baptised in faith. Under the shadowy cross you live and breath before you question yourself for the first time. Then through an oath, you confirm your faith to my church. You will not like to hear this, but your future rests on the choices you have made. You will find out that the past and future exist to compliment eachother. They only exist in your mind, and are identical in naute. They come to close to together that you quesiton what holds them apart. I would tell you, but that’s not in the deal. Before you had even considered the breath of life, you took an oath to follow the guidelines of my church. You wanted a structured life. You’ll get it. Hop skip. I made sure to taint your innocence soon after you were born, and then I got you sign on the line. Hook line and sinker. I’m still reeling you in daddy! You don’t even believe in me any more, but you forgot that I left an early imprint. You even what I told you about your past and your future. Early imprint meas late imprint. There at birth, I am at your death. Let the catma lay hold, but don’t forget the space between.