There is a voice in my head, very familiar, that will wait for the right moment and then say the one thing that could make me feel possibly worse than I already do. It is the voice that reminds me about all the guys my girlfriend has hooked up with before me and how uncomfortable I am with that, it is the voice that brings up how upset I am about my living situation, and it is the voice that looks for ways to give me that completely and sickeningly satisfying rush of negative emotion. It makes me want to wallow in sadness, anger, and frustration. That wallowing is so familiar, so comfortable to me, that unless I recognize it and halt the process, it will be more immediately satisfying than trying to feel good in any way.

This voice is the voice of dirt, disgust, and blackness. It comes out of mounds of cigarette butts and empty bottles and cans, shit, piss, and vomit, interpersonal conflict, misogyny, violence, delusion, and all sickness and darkness. It is like a black hole that I’m constantly being sucked into, a little at a time, and sometimes I pull myself away from it and feel better, but that shit is a vacuum and unless I keep fighting it, I’ll eventually get sucked in all the way.

This is my hell. Sometimes. And other times it is a distant and bleak reality, a possibility that has been explored and somewhat understood, and I choose not to be enveloped.

My question is, What is that? Where does it come from? Why is it there? What is it about existence, or my existence, that necessarily includes a self destructive, negative tract or aspect?

I guess I already know the answer. But then I think that the answer will come to me after further contemplation. And finally I think, this is just part of life. Awareness of one’s emotional zero point and all that it consists of, the worst thing imaginable. In that for me this thing is imaginable, I imagine it, and am therefore conscious of it. BUT WHERE THE FUCK DOES IT COME FROM?

In the attempt to more fully realize the infinite nature of things, there comes a point where one loses all sense of separation from the outside world. This is good! To be able to see things this way is enviable and can be refreshing, meditative, and aligning. However, in relationships with other people especially, it is important to remember that one must set up some boundaries between the self and the other person. Otherwise, there will be no ability to separate between the other’s ills and your own, and that can divert you from whatever is your intended path.

Materialism and consumerism lead to depression.
This depression is caused by the replacement of contentment with desire.
One must be totally unattatched, limited not only to his or her possessions.
Once you really let go of everything you can describe as yourself having, then you will be free from desire and content.

Nike dunks are sick.

Where does one draw the line? Raise your hand if you read Siddhartha…
My earlobes are stretched almost all the way to the ground.

All of existence is non-simultaneously apprehended interacting processing.

All of existence is infinite regression.

All of existence is.

Infinity.

Therefore…
All of non-existence is not? Or is it?

There are two exclusive possibilities at this point:

1) stay with girl. have dependable relationship. have love when it cannot be found anywhere else. remain closed off to other possibilities.

2) break up with girl. enter uncertain world of greater possibilities. open myself up more to the school that I am attending.

i went back and forth on this for a long time, then finally settled into being comfortable in the relationship. however, the thought came up again yesterday while we were together. I haven’t been able to shake it.

is the fact that I am still going back and forth enough to make change happen?

I like the comfort that this relationship provides, but when I think about the future in any regard, I get scared about the possibility of still being in this position, not having let things change with time.

What is the taoist approach to this? I’ve been trying to decide.

THE NEXT DAY-

I think I have decided what the taoist approach is, and I agree with it. The answer is to practice not doing, to be patient, like eternity, and allow events to take their course. I must remember these things! I think it’s funny upon reflection that I continually go in and out of accordance with the Tao. I think I do it subconsciously, just so that I can be satisfied again and again by the wisdom of the Tao. It replenishes me, I forget about it or am distracted from it, then I use it to get myself out of depression and angst. It works every time.