Thanatos
There is a voice in my head, very familiar, that will wait for the right moment and then say the one thing that could make me feel possibly worse than I already do. It is the voice that reminds me about all the guys my girlfriend has hooked up with before me and how uncomfortable I am with that, it is the voice that brings up how upset I am about my living situation, and it is the voice that looks for ways to give me that completely and sickeningly satisfying rush of negative emotion. It makes me want to wallow in sadness, anger, and frustration. That wallowing is so familiar, so comfortable to me, that unless I recognize it and halt the process, it will be more immediately satisfying than trying to feel good in any way.
This voice is the voice of dirt, disgust, and blackness. It comes out of mounds of cigarette butts and empty bottles and cans, shit, piss, and vomit, interpersonal conflict, misogyny, violence, delusion, and all sickness and darkness. It is like a black hole that I’m constantly being sucked into, a little at a time, and sometimes I pull myself away from it and feel better, but that shit is a vacuum and unless I keep fighting it, I’ll eventually get sucked in all the way.
This is my hell. Sometimes. And other times it is a distant and bleak reality, a possibility that has been explored and somewhat understood, and I choose not to be enveloped.
My question is, What is that? Where does it come from? Why is it there? What is it about existence, or my existence, that necessarily includes a self destructive, negative tract or aspect?
I guess I already know the answer. But then I think that the answer will come to me after further contemplation. And finally I think, this is just part of life. Awareness of one’s emotional zero point and all that it consists of, the worst thing imaginable. In that for me this thing is imaginable, I imagine it, and am therefore conscious of it. BUT WHERE THE FUCK DOES IT COME FROM?
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I recently read something about “learned helplessness”. The example is best explained using dogs. two dogs are both put in hammocks and are subjected to a series of electrical shocks. One dog however can turn off the shocks by pressing a button with his nose while the other just must endure the same shocks without the control. After being subjected to this to a certain amount of time the two dogs are then placed in a room that has an electrified floor. The first dog who had control will run around and eventually learn to jump over a barrier to avoid the shocks. The second dog however who was subjected to the same exact shocks as the first dog (though without control over them) when placed in the room will have the same initial response as the first dog. However instead of finding the escape route to the other room the dog will choose to lie down and endure the shocks. He has learned to be “helpless”. This can be applied to humans as well, when we are faced with things that are out of our control we adopt this same type of helpless attitude. “If nothing that i do has any effect in the world then why should I even try?” Perhaps to this could be the reason that your voice gets you down so much. Because it seems totally out of your control and hence there is no way for you to stop feeling like poop, as the worse you feel, the worse you feel about feeling worse and so on.
Comment by Awakened Adminion — On 03-01-06 at 6:56 pm
well… I think you missed what I was talking about somewhat. I don’t feel helpless, I feel the presence of something in my consciousness which seems to enjoy making myself feel shitty about various things. I do have control over it in that I can be aware of it when it occurs, and I’ve learned how to silence it with meditation, yoga, playing music, etc. I was more particularly interested in where that comes from, as I’m sure that it exists in all people to a certain degree.
Also, my use of the word “voice” to describe this thing (that Freud called “Thanatos”, or the destructive side) should not connote anything verbal about it. I experience it less as an actual stringing together of words and more as a total experience that is beyond description, like a forced confrontation with all that I am sickened by… It’s a complicated thing.
I’d sooner say that it is the manifestation within myself of some trickster deity than attribute the feelings to a learned helplessness. Still, I definitely know that in some situations (especially interpersonal ones) I do sometimes feel a helplessness when things aren’t going my way. But I’ve learned to look beyond that… as have all of us.
Comment by reg — On 03-01-06 at 11:20 pm
I think I just wanted to tell you about the cool study I just learned about. it ended up being a long post, whoops! Hail Eris.
Comment by awakened adminion — On 03-02-06 at 1:33 am
word.
i guess i got a little defensive about my black hole.
Comment by reg — On 03-02-06 at 3:28 am
Great words:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Bohm#Thought_as_a_System
Comment by okie — On 02-07-07 at 5:05 pm