In the attempt to more fully realize the infinite nature of things, there comes a point where one loses all sense of separation from the outside world. This is good! To be able to see things this way is enviable and can be refreshing, meditative, and aligning. However, in relationships with other people especially, it is important to remember that one must set up some boundaries between the self and the other person. Otherwise, there will be no ability to separate between the other’s ills and your own, and that can divert you from whatever is your intended path.

How can I be more like myself?

It seems to me that there is always a gap between what kind of person that I think I should be and how I acctually act. While it is essentially human to have ideas of what kind of person one should be (second order volition) I always feel as if I am not doing enough to become the person I really want to be. Whenever I do take steps in the “right” direction I find myself happier, more motivated, and more at peace with myself. When I do not I feel stressed and shitty like I am wasting my life and that I will amount to nothing.

While I am ofttimes content with the person that I am I always have this lingering feeling that I am weak willed and do not try enough to pursue what I am interested in being. I find this hard to accept as part of my vision of myself does not include being a weak willed person. This is where my problem lies. How can a person with strong ambitions be weak willed and still accomplish all that they want to? I don’t think they can.

Perhaps this is a sign to step back, re-evaluate and then set off again.

The journey is hard. But it is in the journey that we find strength to travel.

consumerism is the government realizing that they can easily distract people with shiny lights and toys and comfortable things and sugar and fat and creature comforts. they tell us that that’s what freedom is, but really it just distracts us. it distracts us from reflecting on the world, and reflecting on death, and reflecting on life, and the way things are. we spend our time buying things, and creating waste. all the while slowly killing our planet. and we never see it, or we do see it and we don’t care. my only hope is that somehow the drive towards giving us all information and pleasure at a convenience leads to us living in some utopic fairy land. perhaps through technology we will be set free. there’s always two sides to the coin

If you read my latest post, you will see that I’ve been thinking a lot lately about myself in relation others: mainly in terms of how to apply what I am learning about myself everyday to the lives of others. I’d also been thinking a lot about by art, because of a sculpture professor that asks for more from my art than I ever have. My idea is to express the beauty/art of sex/connecting by showing how two figures come together to make a third. I did not realize at the time that these two dilemmas would become solutions to each other’s problems.
So last year I was busted smoking weed in a dorm, and I was sent to see a counselor. I really hit it off with her, and so we meet every couple of months to catch up with each other and to discuss health in general. When I met with her, she noticed the positive state of mind I’m in and it made her think of something to tell me that no one has ever told me.
She referred me to a shrink. Her idea is to see what a pro can do for a (self-identified) “healthy guy”, since they typically work with people down on their luck or perhaps depressed. It would be a way to dedicate a time every week to self-reflection/improvement: a nice idea.
I like the idea because it reminded me to never sit and stay satisfied; I always need to push it, because without proper exercise my high state of mind will only deteriorate.
So the other night I was contemplating my art. I’m chilling out and I close my eyes to see two semi-circles of light lined up like two side by side rainbows. The answer to my art came in a juxtaposition of two imperfect semi-circles that have the potential to smoothen out and come together forming a circle. The two semi-circles both have a light side and a dark side. They are lined up so that the light side of one faces the dark side of the other to represent my frustration with communication. Like a male peacock, I spread open my feathers but most of the time I get people’s wrong side. Life is like turning around to see a light that reveals you to the completion of youself: because you know it’s always right behind you.
So now that I had a solid breakthrough in my art, I set off to a party. I should use the word gathering because there were only 5 people there, but anyway, I get into it with this girl from LA. From a few clues, I piece together that she has a boyfriend at home, and a ‘very close friend’ up at school. She was trying to explain to me that it was too complicated to explain. I said I’ll give it a shot, and I pull out my sketchbook.
I tell her that sometimes you shine your light at your partner and all you see is the dark, whereas other times your partner shines his light at you and all you show him is your dark side. I explained to her the concept of imperfection, but that there is potential in two half circles even if they are bent, half dark, and not facing eachother.
Something hit home, because the girl broke down. She started to breath heavy and tears welled up in her eyes.
I touched her with my words. She felt my words because I was talking from the heart. When you feel something strongly in your heart, the words will come if you let them, and they will have impact.
Crazy weekend, crazy developments. Don’t stop pushing yourself. Don’t think your are outside the box just yet, cause if you do think that, you clearly aren’t. Don’t be afraid to dream and express yourself. Someone may appreciate your expression more than you can imagine. Breath the air, listen to the wind, and spread the love.

Ok, interesting story. In 10th grade I was doing a math equation, and I got an incorrect answer. The answer I got was -1/21. Now for whatever reason, when I saw that number I liked it. I thought it was special for some reason, I didn’t know why I just had a feeling. So I’ve remembered it for all these years (I think that Diabolicus and/or “the one that has been” can verify this part of the story). Shoot ahead to the present, I’m bored, so I decide to type 12/21/12 (december 21, 2012. if you don’t know the significance of this date…look it up) into google. Well google has this feature now where if you type in an equation, it solves it for you. I had unwittingly done this, so I see the number 0.0476190476 and I’m thinking “this looks familiar.” So I try typing in -1/21 and lo and behold it equals -0.0476190476. At this point my mind is throughly blown. I mean, I definitely knew nothing about all this mysticism shit back in 10th grade, I just felt something special about that number, and I’ve been trying to figure out why for years. And now it just happens to be equal to a date that I hold sacred? Too weird. Any lingering doubts about the reality of that date are washed away for me.