Thanksgiving was an ancient American custom practiced until the mid-21 century. The purpose was to celebrate the incredible abundance and good fortune Americans had when compared to much of the world. The Americans celebrated their good fortune by gorging themselves on food, most notably the caracas of a dead bird known as a “turkey,” and a cake made from the innards of a large orange gourd.

Before the feast they would enjoy a parade, viewed on a hypno-box, in which giant facsimiles of idols from their capitalist religion (including the infamous deity Garfield, legendary for destroying the beautiful city of Lasagna) would be floated through the great city of New York. The parade was held in honor of one the highest capitalist powers, a god known as Macys. Macys was quite revered in ancient America, but she was a fading star. Shortly after the turn of the 21 century American religion started to shift towards monotheism. The new all-powerful god (“the one who was and who is and who is to come”) was known as Walmart. Walmart’s influence soon spread throughout the globe leading to a new era of religious warfare in which the heathens were brutally tortured and killed, and the believers were always treated to the lowest prices.