Do you feel responsibility?
Does it weigh you down?
Do you avoid it at all costs?
Don’t, because it will save you.

Responsibility is like food; the worst it tastes, the better it is for you. As I take on more activities and commit my self to more organizations, I feel myself maturing. At first it is scary and unpleasant for someone about to leave his teens, but in the end accomplishing a task feels good, and so does taking care of yourself. I enjoy stagnating on a couch twisting blunts all day just as much as I dislike doing a problem set and going for a run, but in the end the past stays int he past and only exists in your memories. In retrospect I prefer doing my work and working out a hell of a lot more that I do numbing my brain with mindless activities.

My grandfather died two nights ago. I knew that day that he was about to die, and I thought about him alot. I knew this was coming a long time ago, when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer of the lungs, stomach, brain… He was a hardcore smoker, to say the least. I’m dealing with this now, really, beyond concept of death or anything metaphysical- I am in his house, using his computer, and he is not here. He doesn’t live here anymore. his lifeless body will be buried in the ground tomorrow, and I’ll never see his face again, never hear his voice, never smell him or anything like that. Of course, I have memories, and they will suffice. In that case I guess I will see him again, I’ll meet him in dreams and imagine him, his influence, etc.

This is very difficult, heavy. I am pretending to be totally fine when I am not, I am trying to be helpful to my mom and grandma, and to my aunt and uncle, to make sure they don’t have to do anything that isn’t related to dealing with the funeral, this weekend in general.

The word is, the verb “to be” doesn’t really mean what people think it does. It means that something matches a metaphor, or is well modeled by a concept. For example “this is a car” really means “this thing here seems to be best modeled by the concept of ‘a car’.” Think about why that is. It’s because there is no such thing in the real world as “a car.” Is it possible for you to imagine “a car” (as in a car that has only the purest qualities shared by every car)? No you can’t imagine it because it doesn’t exist, you can only imagine specific cars, a big red car with a sunroof and 2 doors, a small green car with fancy rims and 4 doors, etc. There is no such thing as a car, only types of cars. So saying “this is a car” does not mean this is a car, it means this would be best described as a car, but really it’s a lot of things and I have no idea what it “really is.”

The beginning is near.
Run for the valleys for there is no time to repent
There is only time to applaud

For the Play has not yet begun
We must praise the actors for their stunning
consideration of the script, despite
the fact they will not preform it

A Baptizing wind of of un-religion
will flow through wiping the smiles from the weeping
and placing them on a precipice full of unthinking statues
Creating a blasphemous Easter Island chimera of Teeth and Noses.
A dedication to the last living souls foolish enough to pray to them both.

The beginning is coming
A trick of words that will make you trip into a run
stumbling over and over again till you finally trip again
Falling straight into a sunday morning saunter
because you were running downhill the whole time
And only smooth valley slopes offer such forgiveness.

The notion of self is an interesting one. Without this notion we seem like useless, inconsequential bags of organic matter chemically reacting to keep itself alive. Without self how would there be any way to perceive a difference between you and me besides apparent physical differences? While we may realize to some extent that the notion of self is a constructed one it is oh so hard to let go of what is presented to us daily as fact in our society. Most people don’t care to think about the fact that their perceived notion of themselves is merely a mental construct, a programed notion designed to allow you to function “normally” within society.

An ego is a funny creature because it does not exist beyond perception. You cannot see, smell, touch, lick or fuck an ego. You cannot watch an ego tell a joke or get crushed by a falling piano yet all the same you interact with at least one daily (unless you exist in a higher plane of existence that is but we’ll assume not for the moment). Its a strange thought to think that we interact daily with an entity/entities that do not exist in the way we traditionally think of things existing. The only other comparable thing that we interact with so often is computer data which interestingly enough is becoming more and more similar to the human brain as time goes on.

Something about advanced neural networks allows the collaborative efforts of simple individual systems to create the perception that there is a difference between the neural net and the outside world. Weird right? Where does this group of communicating systems get the guffaw, the arrogance, the ego if you will to say that is any different then the things that it interacts with outside what it defines as itself? And what happens after this system realizes its constructed ego and decides to do something about it?