My grandfather died two nights ago. I knew that day that he was about to die, and I thought about him alot. I knew this was coming a long time ago, when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer of the lungs, stomach, brain… He was a hardcore smoker, to say the least. I’m dealing with this now, really, beyond concept of death or anything metaphysical- I am in his house, using his computer, and he is not here. He doesn’t live here anymore. his lifeless body will be buried in the ground tomorrow, and I’ll never see his face again, never hear his voice, never smell him or anything like that. Of course, I have memories, and they will suffice. In that case I guess I will see him again, I’ll meet him in dreams and imagine him, his influence, etc.

This is very difficult, heavy. I am pretending to be totally fine when I am not, I am trying to be helpful to my mom and grandma, and to my aunt and uncle, to make sure they don’t have to do anything that isn’t related to dealing with the funeral, this weekend in general.